A Whole New Level of Crazy

So I have been out of work for a month now. It is official and it is WONDERFUL. That's right, I said it is WONDERFUL. A few of you are saying, no kidding idiot. It must be wonderful. But others are laughing. I am laughing. And why could we be laughing? Oh right, because I cried like a baby and threw 82 temper tantrums about having to leave. This may not be entertaining to those of you who didn't experience the tantrums, but this is highly entertaining to me. And probably Dennis. And Tiffany and Jeremy and Chris...the list continues. But seriously, these last 3 weeks have been incredibly relaxing. The first week, not so much. I was a DISASTER. I was convinced my children would be ruined because I wasn't there. I know, it's really funny now. Apparently I thought I was REALLY important. Haha.

Anyway...I am crazy. Last night I SWORE I was in preterm labor. (I hate the internet for confirming my feelings.) I wasn't. Obviously. I probably would have led the post with something like THANK THE LORD I DON'T REALLY BELIEVE IN BECAUSE I AM NOT PREGNANT ANYMORE! WOO HOO. Really that would have been the only good thing...there are so many bad things if I had been in preterm labor. I know all these bad things. I know it is very very bad for Dom to be born right now. I just find all those things to be depressing...so I'm not talking about those. We are going to ignore them and discuss the not depressing things.

So to continue...I thought I was in preterm labor and the internet confirmed that in fact I was. Who needs doctors when you have the internet? The website even had a list of things that Dennis should get for an emergency home birth. Apparently all you need to deliver a child are sheets and towels. Interesting, since it costs like $40,000 in the hospital. Mostly it had instructions for the mom. The first thing you should do is breath. Huh. Never would have thought of that. Next...get ready...TAKE OF YOUR PANTS AND UNDERWEAR. Is that seriously in the list of things to do? Apparently you forget some pretty obvious things when you are in emergency home birth labor. There were other more practical/helpful instructions, like after the baby is born how to get him to breath on his own and all that kind of important stuff. But anyway, the point of my internet search was to check my symptoms. This article about emergency home birth happened to be linked into the preterm labor article so I read it. I didn't actually think I was going to have a home birth. Back to the point...

So here are the symptoms I had: intense lower back pain, contractions in my uterus (they described them as a knife stabbing near your cervix...so I was like, hmm I have never had a knife stab my cervix or really anything, but I imagined it would be feeling like how I felt), dizziness, sweats, and fluid release (use your imagination people...this isn't rated R). Since I met 5 of the 6 on the list...I was officially in preterm labor. I didn't have any bleeding. Which was really good because we just got a new sectional for our living room. I was sitting on it. Blood would have been bad. Anyway, at this point I decide to tell Dennis I am in preterm labor. He just stared at me. I was like, don't freak out, I'm not freaking out, I'm just telling you. He kept staring at me. Then asked if I wanted to call the doctor. I of course said no. I was pretty sure the doctor's would have had a good laugh at my expense had I called at that point. I don't need that. So our decision: I was going to go to bed and try to sleep and promise to wake Dennis up if it got worse.

It got worse. I didn't wake Dennis up. He had to work today. That would have been inconsiderate. So I weighed the idea of calling the doctor at 2 in the morning. I still imagined them making fun of me at the hospital. I see them too much to know that they are making fun of me behind my back. I pride myself on leaving my crazy at the door of the doctors office. They just don't know this side of me...and I would like to keep it that way. So I went back to sleep again.

Dennis gets up for work at 545. I get up with him and we have breakfast together and talk and all that good bonding stuff. When he goes to take a shower, I go back to bed. So we have our normal morning. I keep quiet about my discomfort because I know Dennis will make me call the doctor and I am just not going to. No point in getting in a fight about it. So I got back to bed..and at this point I am thinking about how labor really isn't so bad. I'm sure once the time comes for the kid to squeeze out it's pretty bad. But this first stage of labor was bearable. Not easy, but bearable. (I promise I am almost done with this story.)

I wake up again at 10. My abdomen is in such intense pain I can barely move. But I HAD to pee. I couldn't hold it. So I go to the bathroom. While I am sitting there, I have this intense urge to push. I am FREAKING out. But I couldn't control it. So I pushed.


And I took the biggest poop I have ever taken in my life. And was no longer in preterm labor.

I feel I am at a whole new level of crazy today. I can't even bring myself to tell Dennis. He'll read this eventually. Then make fun of me for the rest of my life. Which I obviously deserve. But in my defense, the internet said I was in preterm labor. It's not really my fault for thinking that. They should add a disclaimer that these symptoms also lead to giant poops.